By Alexus Rhone, special to shades Magazine
Editor’s Note: Trigger warning = suicidal ideation. Originally published on Facebook: “Discussing suicide/suicidal ideation. Intentionally not using names because I’m sick of algorithms all in my business!” shades will be including links to names/references below.
It never escapes me that the guy who was known for dancing and turning-up on the Ellen DeGeneres Show – who also made popular TikTok videos with his wife – recorded a video a day or two where he smiled and danced for the masses, then took his own life.
One life lost is too many. Unfortunately, we’ve lost TOO, too many.
Earlier this month, when the librarian-turn-up guy started posting suicidal ideation on Threads, it concerned me.
It’s like we’ve placed our social media platforms on autopilot, and they keep crashing us into trees. In this artificial world driven by algorithms, how do we disconnect from that impact?
In every generation, there are always reasons for despair and angst. I was rereading a speech by Audre Lorde, where she recounts nuclear war, schools filled with kids high on smack and passed out in the hallways, extreme poverty for too many and extreme wealth for a handful. Before that, there was the Vietnam War. She describes this as the powers that be “grinding all of our futures into dust.”
I’m taking my power back, though.
I made that decision two weeks ago when I booked a doctor’s appointment. At first, I was planning to book it for an upcoming date, but something told me to go in that day. So glad I did. My blood pressure was 171/105.
The last practitioner I met with has been holding my blood pressure refills hostage until I booked another 15-minute session with her for $250. I decided to check out the community clinic where, for $150, they’d run all the labs, and I could meet with a physician to talk through everything that’s going on in my life.
I did all of this because I wanna live.
I wanna live well.
I wanna live to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
I wanna enjoy life on this side of eternity.
When the doctor and I discussed why my blood pressure was so high, I told her it was because the former practitioner had denied my refills. I need that medicine to help regulate my blood pressure.
But it wasn’t just the absence of the pills. It was also the presence of anxiety from being tethered to a system where a health practitioner needs my dollars for her bottom line, my health and wellness be damned.
A few days later, as I was doing my sunrise prayer walk, I recorded the cares of my heart as I walked the prayer labyrinth. I played it back as I headed to an Indie coffee shop that sells fresh beignets. I cried as I recorded it. I cried again as I played it back.
Even in declaring the wonders of God, reflecting and replaying back all of the amazing things that have happened, and that are en route, and also being mindful of the fact that the new moon was Feb. 17 and the new moon and full moon are full of emotional tugs for a lot of us, I still told the truth about what I was feeling.
Which brings me back to our dancer-turn-up guy and our librarian-turn-up guy: They both “reacted” to what they were feeling.
I am very much a fan of honest emotions, and I appreciate the library turn-up guy keeping it real. He made people uncomfortable, and some did not respond well to him. At least it draws out those who can’t be trusted with honest emotions. And that’s a win. (NOTE: I told him that we loved him and that maybe he should let somebody else run his social media accounts; the pressure can be intense, and he doesn’t have to bear the burden alone.)
For those who are feeling the fear, anxiety, despair and loneliness that is part of life on this side of eternity, find the one thing that you can do, whatever that is. For me, it was listening to my intuition that led me to the community clinic this morning. It felt good to talk openly with another medical practitioner, who rolled her eyes and shook her head when I told her what happened to me. That obviously happens a lot. I’m glad I made the appointment. I felt better.
Again … think about the one thing that you can do, then do it.
May that one step part the waters and usher you into a magnificent adventure, a life filled with health, wealth, love and perfect self-expression. May all of our lives be filled with beautiful things because we believe in their possibility.
Asé.
Alexus Rhone (she/her/hers, affectionately known as “Lex”) is a writer, producer and artistic theologian who explores the power of truth when ‘dressed’ in story. Founder of Truth Meet Story, LLC, expanding empathy one story at a time, Lex tells stories about the sweetness of Black girls and the compassion of Black women on diverse platforms – page, stage, screen, web, radio and podcasts.